P.S.-I Love You

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I looked into her eyes…bright, brown and it seemed to be telling something that words can’t…wow! It’s amazing how one can get lost in so small a space. She smiled at me and at that very moment I felt my heart becoming light. It was as if I was in a trance. I glanced around. I was in the midst of a lake with trees lining the banks. The world was our stage and the moonlight shone upon us like a spotlight. The best part about this play was that there was no audience and it was just the two of us. I took her hand in mine and started to gently stroke her hair…her silky black hair which I caressed with pleasure.   The boat gently rocked to and fro sending ripples across the water’s surface. She playfully flicked a few drops of water at me and I pretended to beat her but I faltered when she hugged me to protect herself. I hugged her back and whispered into her ear,

‘Is this real?’

She smiled with her dimple, leaned towards me, kissed me on my cheek and said,

‘Of course not!’

And that’s how my desi romance dream sequence abruptly ended.

Get up, brush up, dress up and go to college waiting for someone to say “Time up!” and then repeat. That’s how a majority of my life is going. No roses, no chocolates, no greeting cards…in short no romance! I have a friend who has almost 100% attendance. He would, considering he has a motivation to show up in college-his lady love. I guess that is one of the biggest perks of being committed, a reason to come and attend vastly boring and highly wasteful lectures.

*sigh*

My attendance? I barely manage to scrape through a 75%, that too only because it is mandatory to have 75% attendance to write university exams. It’s funny how people get struck by the cupid. For instance take the almost-100%-attendance guy. He met a girl in January and BOOM! In one month he falls in love and proposes on February 14th(so clichéd dude) and then he loses his “single” tag. Though I am still confused about that point because the girl has said that she’ll only tell her opinion if her father says ok. That makes a lot of sense. Suppose in the future if he turns out to be a total douchebag then the girl can say,

“Daddy! It’s all your fault!”

I wonder who came up with the attribution of the word “single” to the state of not being in a relationship? So if you are committed does that make you a “double”?  But then I thought doubles were those that were used in action stunts in movies in place of the actor? So does that mean if I feel like punching you I can go beat up your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Love has 3 phases,

Phase #1: The Hook-Up

So how does one find love?

Friends, friends of friends, school, college, workplace, random girl at a public place like a mall and even online. The world is full of possibilities. People are generally attracted to people with similar tastes.

‘You like cricket? I love cricket too!’

‘I love Justin Bieber too. Same pinch.(This relationship is doomed to fail)’

Guess that conforms to the saying “Birds of a feather flock together”.

Love at 1st sight they say. Love is not based on looks they say. How contradictory? See a good looking girl and bam! The hormones are racing, your heart feels lighter, an electric shock courses through your spine culminating at the tip of your head and so many other weird feelings…oh! I almost forgot the famous butterflies in the stomach effect. A guy is on 24x7x365 alert to find his lady love. I am amazed at how people choose their love in such a short frame of time. Unless they possess some Sherlock-like super observational skills that allow them to size up their better half in super quick time. It’s mostly the guy who possesses these Sherlock-like skills.

Not only Sherlock Holmes, these guys even turn into an over-night William Shakespeare. All those cheesy+corny love poems that they view as being super romantic and good enough to make their girl’s heart melt. In addition to this they seem to go on an involuntary diet process, a diet on both food and sleep. I guess they feed and dream off the love. I guess love does have its benefits. Voluntary or involuntary, a diet is a diet. It helps you cut down weight and cost of money you spend on your feeding frenzy and ultimately waste it on that diamond ring she always wanted for the engagement. Though there are a few people who really do take their time in getting to know the person before taking the plunge but that is a very few. They are the kind of people who look for a long-lasting and ever so sincere relationship and hence they want to take their time to analyse whether they would be happy, satisfied and guaranteed a stable relationship, sounds like the approach girls would take. Girls unlike guys need not look far for love as they are usually flooded with proposals and romantic gestures and signs every other day. Their options are wide open though whether the options are worthy is another story altogether. They just look for the perfect guy who can mentally satisfy them than physically. The biggest hurdle in love seems to be that 1st step to get to talk and make the other take notice.

‘What if she thinks I am too desperate?’

‘Should I say a hi? Or a hello? How about a hey? Oh! This is so confusing’

Talking seems to be one heck of a task akin to facing a live fire-breathing dragon. After maybe many a stutter, stammer, hesitation and flop shows once they get past that hurdle and form that comfort zone then we have a game on. It is at times like these that friendships are really tested by the lover boys and lover girls. Friends play the audience to their ranting, musings, whining and their half-dreamt romantic experiences. They’d be like,

‘Wow! She referred to me by name! She knows that I exist!’ or

‘Did you see that? He glanced at me when you called my name. He is so into me.’

All the while we nod and agree like some disinterested zombie and offer advice like some master degree psychologist. Somehow guys are expressive in their feeling and girls are more reserved and occasionally have their bitch mode on to mask their intentions…society, society, society.

The girl mostly takes her time in giving her exact response, the most popular being “I need time.” when they very well know that they don’t… society, society, society. I hear that 63% of proposals end up in a rejection…nah! I was just bluffing, though is there a study into this? It says on wiki answer that 21 odd percent of marriage proposals end up in rejection as of April 2013, somebody needs to do a study on love proposals. It seems there is some unsaid agreement that it is always the guy who has to make the first move, and yet we have the saying “Ladies first”?? The world can be such a contradictory place to live in. The poor guy thinks of all possible way to propose ranging from a simple I love you to something as extravagant as proposing to her with props in a mall in front of the public. The guy almost goes through a mini heart attack before he can muster up the courage to take the plunge and ask her out. So the girl happens to say a no? There are three types of reactions you can get from the guy,

  1. The Dev-D effect: Depression coupled with a possibility of drinking or smoking or drugs or a combination of the fore-mentioned and other useless self-mutilating activities. I guess if you tend to become more of a loser then she would like you out of pure sympathy. Genius I must say.
  2. Play-boy effect: There are other fishes in the sea. Propose by morning, get rejected by afternoon, stalk another girl by night. Life is trial and error after all.
  3. Black-mail effect: Slitting wrists, consuming poison, hanging from the ceiling fan, burning on petrol, binging on sleeping pills or other prescription drugs…I am sure there are other more creative methods but it is too cumbersome to list them all. I promise to make an article about it later. Emotional black-mail seems like the way to go unless you are too much of a chicken. Intimidate her into loving you like a boss.

The only effect the girl has is the indifference effect where she pretends that he is simply a mere bacterium which is both invisible and insignificant.

The girl says yes instead? Wow! It’s a medical miracle! Then we go to the phase where it’s all about hangouts, make-outs and stakeouts. Yes or no, the girl gets a high when a guy proposes to her as she feels all the more desirable and that is one quality that can really give your confidence and self-esteem a great boost. We all know how intoxicating that can be.

Phase #2: The Lovey-Dovey

*sigh*

How is it fair that it’s only the wallet that gets emptied while the purse is seldom touched except for the occasional makeup? I just hope more girls are open to the concept of going Dutch. Now, don’t get excited ladies. We aren’t going to Netherlands. “Going Dutch” refers to the concept of paying your half of the bill whereas he pays his half. That way he still can hold onto his savings and girls can be realistic on the expenditure. When it comes to gifting the couple are at wit’s end, from birthdays, valentine’s day to the occasional small gifts. How many ideas can you come up with? No wonder gift shops like Archie’s are a thriving business. The plus side is that these people are the best ones to ask for gift ideas if you seem stuck up on choices to gift someone on a special occasion. Deciding where to hang out seems like another tall order. Restaurant, mall, movie, disco, park, gaming(I am kidding), resort, boating…so hard to make up your mind. Where to go? Where to spend some time alone? Will it impress him/her? And most importantly will it fit my budget seems to be the constantly nagging question.  Again these people are the best choices to ask for options to hangout. They would know every nook and corner of the city to chill out. If that is not enough then we have the added burden of compliments. Women thrive on compliments as they adore vanity and love to have their confidence boosted.

‘Wow! You look stunning in that outfit. Must be really expensive?’

‘Wow! I love that lipstick you are wearing! What?? You aren’t wearing any? Amazing’

If you don’t notice that new haircut or that shiny new accessory, then be prepared for a little sulking. Did I mention that people can get really possessive in a relationship? Mentioned some random boy/girl that you met, your significant other would immediately get online and stalk them through Facebook. Worst case scenario would be using your password which you had given him/her in a test of trust and monitoring your inbox and other online activity. Be careful when socializing with someone of the opposite gender.

‘What does that hi mean?’

Why did you look/smile at him like that?’

Do it in front of him or her and be met with a scowl or frown and do it behind her back only to be confronted later. Don’t be freaked out if you find him or her spying on you from about 500 yards away using binoculars. Ultimately your friendship with the opposite sex would be put on a leash.

A bizarre quality women expect from men are for them to be excellent mind-readers. She wants to be with him but doesn’t want to tell him but rather expects him to do a Professor Charles Xavier and figure it out himself. Dear, this isn’t X-Men.

Has anyone been amazed at how these people can talk for hours and hours and never ever get bored? I mean what will they talk for so long? How do they get such topics. Do they discuss worldy issues and engage in intellectual debates that help form constructive opinions about the circumstances around them? I doubt it. A normal conversation would be like,

‘Saptaya?(Ate?)’

‘Yes. Nee?(You)’

‘Yes.’

‘Enna sapta?(What did you eat?)’

‘Guess!’

‘Dosai?’

‘Wow! You are so smart.’

‘He he. Thanks.’

‘Nee enna sapta?(What did you eat?)’

‘Me too dosai.’

‘Wow! Same pinch!’

‘Ouch! What did you have your dosai with?’

‘Chutney. Nee?’

‘Mulagaipodi. I love chutney? What chutney is it?’

I needn’t continue. As you can see, something as trivial as dinner can itself expand to minutes of conversation so needless to say how they manage to converse for hours. Sms, Facebook, IMs like Yahoo! Messenger, Hangout, Whatsapp, Phone calls, real time conversations, sign language…they seem to have exhausted all the means of interactions on the spectrum of communication.

Another side-effect of love is the ability to turn the lovers into world class liars. Just after a date with their “Honey bunny” when they return home late and the parent(s) asks where they were, they would say,

‘I was out with *insert name of your friend of the same gender*.’ Or

‘Special class at college.’

And when posed a question of why the phone was switched off when they tried to reach you, you respond with the classical lie that the battery went dead.  Honesty is never the best policy.

Here again friends come into the picture when there is some fight, when they need to listen to their sob stories, when they have to play audience to their mushy “smooch” love stories. There comes many a time when the friend gets ditched for the lover. Planning for a hangout with a friend and you make everything ready and then at the last minute the lover calls and cancels everything for the sake of their romantic getaway. If the girl is not satisfied with the friend circle that he has then she serves the ultimatum-friendship or love. Guess this is what inspired the popular urban saying “Bros before hoes”. If you are the friends of the girl, be prepared to tell lies as she would probably tell something like it’s your birthday to her parents to hang-out with her Romeo. Her parents will call you and you have to come up with all sorts of witty excuses ranging from she has gone to the bathroom to she has gone to get the grocery items for your next door neighbour’s grandmother. Even Einstein would shed a tear of joy at the level of I.Q. you display. It can really get mushy tagging along with these people at hangouts. Playing footsie under the table, supposedly “secret” kisses, overtly cringe-worthy hugging and cuddling…what has been seen can not be unseen. Save some for the bedroom too people, I mean have pity on us single people. I guess the next time to feel more comfortable and not left out I’ll start making out with the chair, table or whatever nearby that I can get hold of.

Phase #3: The Forever & Ever

Then comes the occasional scares of break-ups ranging from reasons like not updating the relationship status to forgetting their significant other’s birthday. A guy’s worst nightmare is seeing the tears of a girl, for the girl it’s her best weapon. It either ends in two scenarios. One they work it out and hopefully life goes on for a little bit without any new issue or else they breakup for good and their past is a history. Post break-up it could be the playboy effect or the Dev-D effect.  And who turns out to be the mediator? Enter le friend. The friend acts like the judge, detective, counsellor, shrink and a myriad of other roles to help the two patch up. The friend engages in tasks such as conspiring in a secret plan to get them together to relaying messages to each other acting like an owl/postman between the two because of over-inflated ego on either side. Telling the parents about the love is the biggest deal of them all. In a society where love is regarded as a culturally immoral practice it is hard to convince most parents who happened to be close minded to the concept. It’s amazing how they assume sole responsibility of deciding with whom their children should spend their entire life with. When it comes to telling their parents about their love sometimes the friend has to serve as somewhat a seal of approval or a certificate of genuineness to convince the parents that the love of their ward is worth it. If all goes haywire, then these friends turn into kidnappers, financiers, supporters and elope specialists to help the couple realize their dream.  And if you thought that your responsibilities ended there then think again. Be prepared for repeating your responsibilities as a friend from Phase #2. This phase is the most important of all. After the lovey-dovey phase the relationship tends to lose a bit of its sparkle. The sweetness turns to bitterness. Conversations become constrained for the lack of words. Things may seem dull and boring. This is common in all relationships and the feat is to get through this together, cross this abyss and then you are set on your path forever and ever.

Love has evolved by leaps and bounds over the past decade. From greeting cards to text messages on Whatsapp, there has been a radical change. People have become more open to dating, open relationships, casual flirting and all other romantic baggage. Love is no longer a once in a lifetime affair and is more of a trial and error basis, just like how it should be. You are not a demi-god to get things right the first time. Love is a little pleasure and a lot of heart-breaks initially. You learn from the heart-breaks and maximise the pleasure later on. Has love degraded over the past few years? Love has certainly evolved. Degraded? It’s a relative term.  Lady love according to my expectations?

  • Should speak very good fluent English as I am a chatterbox and also I am more comfy in my pseudo mother tongue-English.
  • Should be an avid reader and an engaging writer. I love reading and writing. I want to be an author. Watch out Pulitzer.
  • Should be a big movie buff! Especially Hollywood. I wish to be a director too. Watch out Oscar.
  • I want her to be hyper, cheerful and full of optimism and confidence. Positivism is infectious and it is one infection I absolutely desire.

‘I want to open up a restaurant name Kentucky Fried Panda-“it is finger ling-ling good”(Inspired from The Simpsons) and become the world’s richest billionaire, use that money to self-publish a Pulitzer prize-winning novel, direct it in to a Oscar winning Hollywood film and eventually win the Nobel Peace Prize for donating money for charity.’ I will say.

‘You can do it Honey. Go for it.’ She will say

That’s the power of positivism. Always supportive however ridiculous you may sound. You feel like a hero.

  • Kind, caring and understanding who can possibly be a mind reader and has a good knack of human psychology to tell what I need and when I need it. I like X-Men.
  • Pretty, cute, beautiful and gorgeous. All boys are a sucker for a good looking girl and I am human too. I have a thing for dimples, straightened hair and fair, tall girls.
  • Last but not least she should be able to make me smile often and make me smile for looooooong.

I am sure each one of us would have a list of expectations like these but the truth is these are mere ideals we whimsically quote but not actually pay attention to. When we really meet our love all such lists become obsolete and we pay heed only to the emotions because with love-screw logic!

P.S.-Just in case you do find someone with the attributes specified in my list, please let me know.

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